Characters

May contain spoilers. This list is incomplete.

Alexander (Sasha Saatchyan) Normanovich Kitoboyev

A masochistic little hippie who writes fantasy novels, bad poetry and is absolutely loyal to Dima. Ugly Alex’s cousin. Sasha is a clever young miscreant and a violin prodigy with a voice like an angel, and a devilish streak. Zoya’s plaything. An unhappy submissive who meets Camello and Lucky in dreams. Sasha is a mind-reading shaman, but tries not to show it.

Ethnicity: Ashkenazi Jew, Anqallyt Chukchi, and Possibly Nordic of an Unspecified Extraction
Also Known As: Alexander Solomonych Saatchyan, Alexandra Normanovich Kitoboyeva, The Catamite, Two-Spirit, Lex, Alexandra Solomonichna Saatchyan, Alexander Kurvacho Saatchyan.
Religion: Anqallyt Shamanism With A Sarcastic Propensity Towards Proclaiming Devil Worship To Express Disgust At Judeo-Christian Traditions
Political Affiliation: Environmentalism mixed with Trotskyism
Date of Birth: February 15, Either 1971 or 1974. No one can figure it out.
Sign: Aquarius
Likes: Dmitri, Zoya, Nice People, His Chukchi family, his friends, Self-Mutilation, Alcohol, Beatings, Making Mischief
Dislikes: Everything Else
Assigned Stone: Deep Siberian Amethyst
Sexuality: Prefers men, especially older ones, but will have sex with women in spite of being uninterested. Happiest when pain is involved.
Eye Color: Sky Blue
Hair Color: Red, But May Be Bleached Blond
Height: (Beginning) 5’6″ (Final) 6’0″

Alexander (Superkiller) Solonik

A legendary assassin.

A.K.A. Boguslav the Macedonian, The Kurgan Terminator, Sasha the Assassin, Alexander the Great, Sanya
Ethnicity: Greek and Russian
Religion: Unknown
Political Affiliation: None
Date of Birth: October 16, 1960
Sign: Libra
Sexuality: Straight
Height: 5’6″

Alexander (Ugly Alex) Solomonych Petrov

Sasha’s half-cousin. An aspiring hockey player and son of a Communist Party Member. He hides his love for music and other boys. An attractive and charming ex-boy band member, Ugly is also total rude douchebag with major control and power issues. He has a tendency towards raping his lovers at some point in their relationship. In spite of these horrible attributes, he genuinely loves Dmitri, which is why he has been working on changing, in spite of their breaking up.

Ethnicity: Ashkenazi Jew
Religion: Non-Affiliated Pagan, But Pretends To Be Atheist
Political Affiliation: Communist Party Member
Likes: Being Liked, Other Boys, Playing Hockey, Playing Guitar, Being In Control
Dislikes: Zoya, Anyone Who Gets In His Way, Not Getting His Way, Danger to Society
Date of Birth: August 18, 1971
Sign: Leo
Assiged Stone: Peridot
Sexuality: Gay
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Red
Height: 6’0″

Arkady the Accordion Man

Arkady the Accordion Man is a gentle, yet tortured man full of mystery. His entire kumpania, including his wife and firstborn son, were massacred in 1936 by German Forces. He was only sixteen. After fleeing to Russia, he was imprisoned by the Stalin regime for three years, until he managed to break out. His best friend is a tiny dog and he has no children. Accordion Man is a wise and respected elder who loves bringing joy to everyone by playing the accordion. His Sinti family name and exact birthdate are secrets that he will never reveal.  Only his legal German name is known.

Ethnicity: Sinti, originating from Germany.
Legal Name: Akkordion Bundeln
Religion: A Folk Sinti Belief System that Resembles Hinduism
Political Affiliation: Apolitical Outside of Local Kumpania Matters
Date of Birth: 1920.
Sign: Unknown
Sexuality: His wife died, so for all intents and purposes, his sex life is over.
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Gray
Height: 5’7″

Bahktale (Lucky) Strikes Vasquez Drina

A womanizing rake who makes a rather unpleasant discovery about himself.

Born in Catalonia, Lucky is an irrigation systems inspector turned Communist Party apparatchik. He is known as the Marquis of the Nicotash tribe. Ex-husband of Marlborina. Murderer of his lover, Camello Basma. May have been kicked out of training for the KGB due to gross incompetence.

Ethnicity: Self-Identifies as Spanish or Calo Romani
Legal Name: Strikes Tenoriovich Vasquez
Also Known As: Estriques Vásquez i Ferrer
Religion: Roman Catholic
Political Affiliation: Communist on paper, but actually a Spanish Catholic Falangist
Date of Birth: November 21st, 1951
Sign: Scorpio-Sagittarius Cusp (Holy Shit!)
Sexuality: Gay, but is capable of performing as if he were bisexual to hide his actual sexual identity

Camello Lyev son of Gurkha Basma and Grizelda Florfina

The only surviving member of the Basma crime family. His name is pronounced Kam-Eh-Yoh

The extremely popular governor of the village of Nicotash. Murdered by his lover, Lucky. Cousin of his adoptive sister, Marlborina. A metalhead biker jock who works for the Moskovskaya Brotherhood Mob. Lead guitarist of Kalorat. A professional smuggler with government contacts, bodybuilder, Led Zeppelin fan, recoverinf alcoholic turned pothead and a musician.

Ethnicity: Ruska (Xaladitka) Romani
Legal Name: Kameron-Jurek Gadzedilovich Kori
A.K.A. Cam, Kam, Gypsy Queen, King Camello, Camello Basma
Religion: Christian Who Rejects Organized Religion, but is ideologically aligned with the pro-homosexuality philosophy of King James
Date of Birth: August 5, 1963
Likes: Chocolate and marijuana brownies, toking up, riding his Harley, weapons geekery, money in the form of gems or gold, heavy metal that doesn’t suck, His asshole boyfriend.
Dislikes: His asshole boyfriend, being an alcoholic, people telling him what to do, not getting paid in full in a timely fashion, the fact that he falls in love with chicks but can never get through loving the chicks, spitters and swallowing.
Political Affiliation: Capitalist
Date of Birth: August 5, 1963
Date of Death: June 9, 1988
Sign: Leo
Sexuality: Pansexual, but appears to be butch gay due to severe sensory issues with vaginal sex due to his autism which make him unable to perform sexually with women.
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Blond
Height: 5’10”

Duck Duck

Sasha’s half-sister.  Was separated from Sasha and her other siblings after her father Norm was sent to prison.

Ethnicity: Anqallyt Chukchi
Religion: Animistic Shamanism
Likes: Her family
Dislikes: Being a foster kid
Date of Birth: Around the same time as Sasha
Sign: Aquarius
Sexuality: Straight.
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown
Height: 4’8”

Dr. Benjamin Benitez-Belacort

A Spanish Civil war orphan who came to Russia as a youngster and was never repatriated back to his home country.

A conscientious psychologist and Communist Party member. The leading expert in aberrant sexuality and child abuse in Irkutsk, and possibly also a complete fraud. He is likely the brother of Lord Sodom. Dr. Benitez might have been motivated to excel in his field by possible sexual abuse in an orphanage that led Lord Sodom into a downward spiral of depravity and paranoia. Dr. Benitez is corrupt by necessity, but believes that his intentions are righteous.

Ethnicity: Spanish
Religion: Russian Orthodox
Likes: Research and Helping Children in Need.
Dislikes: Idiots, Things That Stand In The Way of His Research
Date of Birth: September 28, 1936
Sign: Libra
Sexuality: Celibate, though rumored to have made himself an eunuch because religious devotion, and/or omnisexual and pedophiliac tendencies.
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown
Height: 6’3″

Dorotnya Vasquezova

Dorotnya was introduced to Lucky by Camello. She became his second wife. The ghost of Camello broke up her marriage to Lucky as well.

Ethnicity: Russian
Religion: Atheist
Political Affiliation: Communist
Date of Birth: Unknown
Sign: Unknown
Sexuality: Straight

Getter Must

Ethnicity: Estonian
Religion: Atheist
Likes: Good listeners, sensitive men who understand, peaceful environments, military service, cultured people, good sex, nice things and money.
Dislikes: Her job as a high class escort, boors and having her heart broken.
Date of Birth: She won’t tell
Sign: Virgo-Libra Cusp
Sexuality: Depends on how much she’s getting paid.  More than likely of an indifferent orientation.
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Blond
Height: 6’3″

Gloria wife of Benson Julietta (formerly wife of Camello Basma)

Gloria, Camello’s ex-wife, was a jealous and physically abusive woman who attempted to kill her husband in the past. She was also a victim of her husband’s violence and alcoholism. She resented the fact that Camello looked white and the household’s money troubles. Their marriage was eventually annulled. She was remarried to her widowed brother-in-law, Benson Julietta, who committed suicide shortly thereafter. Was killed by Bahktale Vasquez at the same time as Camello.

Ethnicity: Ruska (Xaladitka) Roma
Religion: Orthodox Christian
Political Affiliation: Apolitical
Date of Birth: 1959
Date of Death: June 9, 1988
Sign: Virgo
Sexuality: Straight
Height: 4’11”

Hielope The Aquarian

The only thing certain about Hielope is that she resides inside Sasha’s head, although Lucky, Norm and Decoy have seen her. Presumably, she is his conscience, sort of. Hielope can look like a woman, a pretty mermaid with a mermaid’s tail and tentacles. She is clothed by two blind eels. She can also be a slimy tentacled demon depending on what function it is performing, and can shapeshift at will.

Primary Function: Unknown
Type of Being: Rusalka (Water Succubus)
Date of Birth: The day an unbaptized pregnant woman committed suicide and a lesser god mated her corpse
Element: Water
Sexuality: Only mates with living males and spirits that were male at one point
Eye Color: Metamorphic
Hair Color: Usually Blue-Green, But Metamorphic
Height: 20′

Igor Dmitri (Dima Satan) Shapinov

Initially, he was the boy Ugly and Zoya fought over. Also a bloodthirsty upir and a musician. A socially-awkward student at the athletics school who is really good at hockey, but would rather be a DJ or a musician. Former boy band member. Twin mobsters, Father Igor Shapinov and Vova Shapinov are potentially his fathers, as they both raped his mother simultaneously at his conception. Former foster son of Pavel and Morana Volosenkov, who are Lechy’s aunt and uncle. Sasha is Dima’s childhood sweetheart and is also Zoya’s fuckbuddy. Dima never uses his first name and hates being called by it, because of its association to one of his mother’s rapists. He’s a government-sanctioned serial killer who loves American-style apartments.

Ethnicity: Buryat, Ukrainian and Russian
Religion: Lapsed Orthodox Christian
Political Affiliation: Initially Marxist, but turns Anarchist after being disillusioned by the system.
Likes: Fish, Boobs, Redheads, Devil Horns, Virgin Blood
Dislikes: Bullies, People Who Are Mean to Animals, Surprise Butt Sex
Date of Birth: January 1, 1972
Sign: Capricorn
Assigned Stone: Demantoid
Sexuality: Prefers Women, But Has Strong Pansexual Tendencies
Eye Color: Dark Green
Hair Color: Brown, or Blue Black When Dyed.

Lady Irina Tepes of the House of Dracul, The Vampire Eater

She is an extremely fast runner and a prolific vampire hunter.

Ethnicity: Romanian
Religion: Orthodox Christian
Likes: Vampires, Jesus, sharp objects and being pure.
Dislikes: Vampires, heathens and those who support what she perceives as evil.
Date of Birth: No one knows.
Sign: Even if someone knew, zodiac symbols are just pagan heresy that Irina wants no part of.
Sexuality: Black widow, and possibly a necrophiliac.
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Black, Violet and Streaked With Red Blood
Height: 5’7”

Lech (Lechy) Simonych Merkachev

The High Priest of Volos and Relationship Specialist. Started out as a good little gay boy that happens to lead a double life. A pharmaceutical chemistry student by day, Lechy served as novice priest in the cult of Volos by night. Although Lord Sodom kept him as a sex slave, that relationship was not consummated, because the captor was impressed by the boy’s leadership potential, and instead subjected him to a wizard’s education marked with brutal discipline. He was the original the lead singer of The Upir Brothers/Upir’s Mark and a close friend of Ugly Alex. He considers Dima family. His best friend is his classmate, Masha.

A.K.A. The Great Serpent, The High Priest of Volos, Lord Sodom The New, The Master of Warlocks, The Witch (Boy), Master Merkachev
Ethnicity: Western Slav
Religion: Rodnover, Order of Volos
Political Affiliation: Communist Party Member on paper, but actually an anarchist who evolved into anarchocapitalist,
Likes: Tickling People, Cooking, Parties, Wearing Costumes, Sketching, Singing, Rituals
Dislikes: Girls (except for Masha,) Unhappiness, Boredom
Assigned Stone: Emerald
Date of Birth: June 22, 1970
Sign: Cancer
Sexuality: Gay
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Blond
Height: 6’3″

Marlborina Wife of Bahktale Vasquez (nee: Julietta)

the rebellious daughter of Nicotash Chieftain, Romeo Julietta. First wife of Lucky who remains his closest friend. Cousin, adoptive sister and former lover of Camello. The first woman in Nicotash to attend college, get an abortion and be a feminist. She renounced her Roma heritage prior to being expelled from her kumpania. Marlborina is extremely grateful and loyal to the Soviet Union, though she is eager to see reforms.

Ethnicity: Ruska (Xaladitka) Romani
Legal Name: Minerva Romanova Yulieva
Religion: Atheist
Political Affiliation: Liberal
Date of Birth: 7/29/1967
Sign: Leo
Sexuality: Straight

Mariyana (Masha) Saulova Lebidinsky

Student – Masha attends the same school as Lechy and is madly in love with him.

Ethnicity: Ashkenazi Jew
Religion: Atheist, but curious about her ancestral Judaism and the pagan traditions from around the world.
Political Affiliation: Communist Party Member
Likes: Lechy, Babies, Going to School and Cute Things
Dislikes: Improper Things and Unhappiness
Date of Birth: September 22, 1969
Sign: Virgo
Assigned Stone: Tiger’s Eye
Sexuality: Masha is too busy with school to think of such things, but she adores Lechy.
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Blue Black
Height: 5’6″

Mikhail Mihailevich Mikhailev

A linguistics expert for the Soviet government’s paranomal science’s department. Camello’s best friend and chief partner-in-crime. A polyglot.

Mikhail doesn’t make enough money in his job due to government pay cuts. To make up for this financial deficit, Mikhail also works as the boss of the Moskovskaya Brotherhood. This organized crime group is hated by the Thieves-In-Law for its complete disregard of criminal tradition. Its government ties and use of cheap Romani labor, KGB and Russian Military operatives to run a paramilitary operation at an incredibly low-cost are also a major bone of contention.

Ethnicity: Russian
Religion: Atheist
Political Affiliation: Communist
Date of Birth: About ten years older than Camello
Sign: Unknown
Sexuality: Straight Womanizer
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Honey
Height: 5’9″

Miriyam (Miri) Solomonycha Petrova

A young mother and wife who barely tolerates her brother, Ugly Alex, but loves him anyway.

Ethnicity: Ashkenazi Jew
Religion: Jewish
Likes: Like is such a strong word. Miri cheerfully tolerates most everything with a loving attitude. She does love her Hot Pakistani Husband, which earned her father’s hatred.
Dislikes: Embarrassment, Bad People, Hypocrisy, Parties, Disruptions to her Routine
Date of Birth: July 15, 1969
Sign: Cancer
Sexuality: Straight
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown
Height: 5’6”

R,avn’yttygyrgyn N’or’myn

Sasha’s beloved stepfather. Shlomo’s good friend. Norm is either an immortal freedom fighting shaman or insane ecoterrorist. Once the most beautiful two-spirit shaman in all of Pevek, she had to revert to being male-gender for entirely practical reasons after Stalin defeated the Anqallyt by introducing them to modern convenience. A gifted traditional whale hunter who also has the power to use whales as weapons.

A.K.A. Norman the Whaleslayer, Norman Botornik, Norm
Ethnicity: Anqallyt Chukchi
Religion: Animistic Shamanism
Likes: Intoxication
Dislikes: Everything to some degree
Date of Birth: Sometime in the 1800’s
Sign: Unknown
Sexuality: Gay or heterosexual, depending on whether one thinks he’s male or a transwoman presenting as male.
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Black
Height: 5’0”

Dr. Rodin (Manok – translated to English as Decoy) Manakov

A volunteer at The Refuge – Went to jail in 1964 over a crush on Nikita Kruschev at age 14. Got out of jail eight years later after a brutal stint. He has an on-and-off sexually coercive relationship with Sasha.

Ethnicity: Tartan and Southern Slavic
Religion: Rodnover
Likes: Helping at the Refuge, Making Cookies, Cute Boys, Hockey and Serving Lord Sodom
Dislikes: Prison
Date of Birth: March 29, 1950
Sign: Aries
Sexuality: Gay hebephiliac/ephebophiliac.
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Indigo
Height: 6’3″

Lord Sodom Benitez the Blue Hare (translated from the Russian, Lord Sodoma Benitez – Golubogo Sayatz)

A Spanish Civil war orphan who came to Russia as a refugee in his infancy and was never repatriated back to his home country. He endured a brutal childhood under state care, and was separated from his brother. As an elder, this bunny-clad priest is the founder of the Refuge. Sodom has a rather long criminal record. He never discusses it and no one knows for sure what he has done.

Lord Sodom is as intelligent, as he is sadistic. The only thing certain about him is that he gives shelter, food and protection to any outcast queer that asks for it. He never takes off his mask in public and very few people have survived after seeing his face. He is extremely adept at multiple disciplines of magick from around the world. Sometimes he wears a blue dragon mask.

A.K.A Doctor Benitez, Dr. Sandoval Benitez Sodoma, Sandi, Master Sodom, The Serpent, The Devil
Ethnicity: Spanish
Religion: Russian Satanist (Deviltry), and trained as a Priest of Volos
Political Affiliation: Anarchist
Likes: Pleasure, Being In Control
Dislikes: Idiots, Things That Stand In The Way of His Pleasure
Date of Birth: November 18, 1934
Sign: Scorpio
Assigned Stone: Azurite
Sexuality: Omnisexual with extreme aberrant paraphilias including active algolagnia, anthropophagolagnia, and zoophilia.
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Unknown
Height: 6’3″ (Costumed) 7’2″

Solomon (Shlomo) Davidovich Saatchyan

A very abusive father to Sasha, Shlomo has no love for his son. However, he treats Zoya kindly and has a father-like relationship with her. Used to be a free-love hippie and a smuggler. Runs speakeasy where

Ethnicity: Ashkenazi Jew
Religion: Jewish, But Not Very Observant
Likes: That’s a concept in the past.
Dislikes: His Life
Date of Birth: 1942
Sign: ?
Sexuality: Straight
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Red
Height: 5’9″

Tatiana (Tits) Vasiliyeva

A woman who initially defined herself by her sexuality and her spectacular tits, until she left the village of Nicotash to avoid permanent expulsion. She became Camello’s bodyguard.  Her use of persuasion rather than violence whenever possible, led her to become Camello’s chief security officer.

Ethnicity: Lovari Romani
Religion: Lapsed Orthodox Christian with strong a strong belief in Saint Sarah the Black worship
Political Affiliation: Apolitical
Date of Birth: Unknown
Sign: Sagittarius
Sexuality: Heterosexual and polyamorous

The Dude

The greatest entertainer in all of Moscow. He is the frontman of a jazz band and is a good friend of Kameron (Camello.)

Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown
Height: 5’9″

Tsarkias (Tsar) Smertovich Rasputin

A male prostitute, gun-for-hire and Kameron Kori’s Bodyguard. Tsar is also the lead singer and bassist of Kalorat. A Chechen separatist, CIA informant and Russian-Born British spy, he also has an on-and-off relationship with Getter.

Ethnicity: Chechen and Kalderash Roma
Also Known As: Tsarkias Calderas, The Big Bad Wolf and Father Sarkos Akhmadovich Kadriov
Religion: Orthodox Christian
Political Affiliation: Separatist
Date of Birth: June 14th, 1951
Sign: Gemini
Sexuality: Bisexual
Likes: People who value him, being a good listener, living in the country, music, good sex, being of service, money.
Dislikes: God’s will (a.k.a. his general shitty luck,) his other two jobs
Eye Color: Light Green
Hair Color: Indigo Black
Height: 6’0”

Professor Trofim (Strashnyy translated into English as Scary) Strashkyev

Scary used to be a handsome gay man with a very cheery disposition. Unfortunately, prison was very hard on him. A doorman for The Refuge,  assistant to Lord Sodom and formerly a scientist.

Ethnicity: Russian
Religion: Atheist
Likes: His Pet Rat, Smokes, Helping People Out, Playing Accordion
Dislikes: Strangers, Being Imprisoned
Date of Birth: Unknown
Sign: Unknown
Sexuality: Gay
Eye Color: Gray
Hair Color: Bald
Height: 5’9″

Principal Yenika Rytkheu

A woman who genuinely cares about the children of Irkutsk and their welfare.

Ethnicity: Chukchi
Religion: Atheist
Likes: Education, Soviet Principles, Protecting the Welfare of Soviet Youth
Dislikes: Bad Parents and other people who hurt children
Date of Birth: March 8
Sign: Pisces
Sexuality: Asexual
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown
Height: 5’6″

Zoya Leonidva Malama

A belligerent and promiscuous punk who doesn’t give a crap. When Zoya isn’t banging on drums, playing a synthesizer, getting laid or being involved in petty drama, she is learning how to behave in polite society. She used to shoplift and beat up Romani people for a living, but Shlomo gave her a job as a sexy waitress. A former neo-Nazi. Considers Dmitri and Sasha to be family. Zoya shoplifts for a living after Shlomo can no longer employ her.

Also Known As: Zo-Zo, Zoyenka
Ethnicity: Germanic Russian
Religion: Atheist
Political Affiliation: Anarchist
Date of Birth: August 5, 1972
Sign: Leo
Sexuality: Wishes she were a Lesbian (or more accurately, a straight man,) but likes males too much. Will sleep with just about anyone depending upon her partner’s novelty value, emotional attachment and her level of intoxication. Presents as either butch or extremely girly.
Likes: Dmitri, Fights, Intoxicants, Loud Music, Causing Havoc, Sex
Dislikes: Her Family, Organized Anything, Authority, Sell-Outs, Ugly Alex
Assigned Stone: Diamond
Eye Color: Clear, But May Appear As Lilac or Pink
Hair Color: Brown, Or Beet Red When Dyed
Height: 5’3″

 

The Juliettas

[Chieftain Romeo, Virginia, Benson and Hedges Julietta are Marlborina’s immediate family. Camello is related to them via his late father, Gurkha Basma. He was adopted by them as a son upon his Gurkha’s death.
Ethnicity: Ruska (Xaladitka) Roma
Religion: Evangelical Christian
Political Affiliation: Apolitical Outside of Local Kumpania Matters

 

The Space Stoners

The Space Stoners are a type of Zeta Reticulan alien. These weirdoes’ entire culture and biomechanical technology is based entirely on cannabis and carbohydrates. Even their reproduction is completely dependent on weed to the point that their naughty bits are useless, tiny and atrophied. Their only function for sex is to make orgone for space travel. However, when they discovered the Earth they also learned that humans could produce orgone far more efficiently. As a result, the space stoners routinely capture these creatures. Having no concept of sexual reproduction, the space stoners unintentionally rape their fuel sources. Humans, being ignorant of this, assume that the aliens are conducting perverse research and that the alien fuel vessels are research craft.

 

The Russian Militia (a.k.a. The Cops)

Lazy self-entitled jerks who pretend work because their bosses pretend to pay them. Allegedly they uphold the law.